well i officially turned fifteen yesterday, however i cannot celebrate. i kinda forgot all about my birthday, Due to certain unfourtunate and sad incidents that took place in my family over last week. So i did not buy any new clothes for myself. So my mom said she would just get me something to wear at home on my birthday. so at 11.30 at night my bro and her went and got me a ouma t-shirt and the next day in the morning they got me some pants(quite nice) to go with it. After english paper and a super long presentation with mr malcolm tan i made my way home. I took a bath and put on the new clothes and went up to see my grandparents first, ate some lunch then after that i went to see my other grandma(u noe the one who lost her husband, my grandpa). I walked into the house and she smiled and gave me a hug and said"birhday girl is here". My uncle, granduncle and grandaunt were there and came to me and gave me a hug and wished me. Then my grandma told me " don't be sad and don't think about it, your mutachan has gone to a better place where he is at peace and one day we will all go there, so don't worry about it ok" then she asked me to go and pray to him. so i went to his photograph at the small alter there and prayed to him and wished him happy birthday as well. then i stayed there for a while and listened to stories that my grand people and uncle were talking about. my granduncle told us about a dream that he had just minutes before my great-grandpa passed away, obviously a very long time ago. wow that story was really amazing how he had seen the thing just minutes before, not going into detail but if u want to noe u can ask me. I stayed there till eight plus hoping that my aunt would make it back by then but she didnt so i made my way across the street back to my home. Then my aunt called and said " yah my mother just told me u left i rushed all the way back just to see u and i just missed you" then she wished me happy birthday and told me not to worry and think about anything and just enjoy myself, everyone who wished me told me not to worry and think too much about it(my grandpa not being here to celebrate with me) , but i feel much better than before and not soo sad. So yah i will go and buy my clothes on saturday or sunday when i meet up with sharina to buy something for Juline's birthday. So wanna shop with me shaz? my baby cousin Ronan is so cute, today he is in such a gd mood, but then again he is always smiling.

PS: if you misunderstood me......The grandpa that passed away is not my mother's father or my father's father, he is my aunt's father my grandma's sisters husband. Yeah so you may think why would i be sad over this he is not my direct grandpa, but i have grown up with him for a very long time, he helped me get my first library card and used to love spending time with his grandchildren. My mother has grown up with him since the time she was young and other family members as well so we are very close to him alotof my family, some not really. So yah i was very close to him and so were my brothers and my mom and her siblings and definately Anushka and Ronan but they are too young too understand what's going on, they're only 2+ and 7 months old.
Sumedhaa

3:50 AM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

Thanks Michelle and Vanessa for your concern it meant alot to me. Michelle was the first one who asked me if i was ok and then gave me a hug(which gotthe crap from kevin and gordon). Then during assembly Vanessa came and asked me if i was ok and told me not to think too much about it. Thanks VNS i'll try not to but its very difficult u noe. Thanks anyway. Its nice to noe that i have friends who are there for me when i need them. Tommorow i will turn 15. And if my grandpa was around he would be 71. But it is still his birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY ACCHA I MISS YOU. i hope you are doing well in heavan and living a great afterlife. My grandma is so much better today and so she decided to clean out the house. Is it me or are the people in my family just very stubborn. My grandpa didnt want to go to the hospital and look at where that got them. The women are even worse. I hope they understand that they will affect us also. I almost forgot my own birthday can u believe it i remember my grandpa but not mine and we share the same birthday. i still can't get the images of the mandai crematorium and the funeral out of my head and yesterday when i saw the lim kim san funeral it reminded me even more. I really wanna move on and start afresh with him in my memory. the social studies paper was not bad today ok i hope i pass. i did bio test today it was ok but a few things i didnt noe. hope can pass, tommorow is english and a-maths so i better go study for them. i'm gonna do my best for my grandpa....bye

5:45 AM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

i guess i'm kinda over my utter sadness, i just feel sad and lonely and i miss him. My mom told me today that when i was born he was the first one who came to see me kinda like a birthday present for him u noe someone elseto share his birthday, i dont noe how i'm gonna handle tuesday or how my grandma will, shes still ill i don't want anything to happen to her i don't think i can handle anymore. My mom told me that my other grandma wants to just have a simple lunch for my bday, i said "yah i got no mood to celebrate my bday anymore" and she said " U shouldn't say that u should celebrate the memory of ur grandfather" shes right. I went to my grandma's house to give some tea time snacks to my uncle and aunt and they put a smile on my face. Its really comforting to go there and to see my grandpa's photograph there looking at me and watching over everyone. I heard he wanted to do a photograph potrait of him, my grandma my other grandma and grandpa and his eight grandchildren. He really loved us all so much. i wish i could do that for him but without him it would be too painful for my grandma so i guess i can't. i dont want to hurt her. Yesterday night my darling Anushka and Ronan came. they came to my house and later i brought Ronan up first, As i was walking up i talked to him about our Grandpa (Ronan is only seven months old) and it was amazing that the little baby was listening to me as if he understood every word i was saying he was listening so intently. I havent talked to Anushka yet but i will soon. I'm much nicer to my other grandpa now more patient cause i don't wanna lose him to. In a way i'm abit more closer to him cause i grew up with him all my life.
I can't believe how much much Prakash Mama sounds like his father, when he called today and said hello, for a split second i thought it was my grandpa but obviously not. I will not have a birthday cake cause that is celebrating and i dont wanna do that cause they say if u break it in the first year the same thing will happen three times, i don't think i can handle three deaths. i never realised how easy it was to speak to Dalvyn before, she consoled me and told me something about her experiance with something that is in a way more tragic, and it was nice, thanks Dalvyn.

My Loving Grandpa
25th July 1935-20th July 2006
You will be remembered always

3:54 AM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

I can't believe he's gone, i feel so sad i could cry right now. Yesterday was definately the hardest day of my life. When they brought his body back in the night i couldnt help but cry cause it was so weird to see him in a coffin. And when my grandma walked in to the room to see my other grandma(the one who lost her husband) my other grandma just broke down and cried. my mother said " thats the great thing about the 13 siblings they're always there for each other whenever they need each other". On friday i didnt sleep much, i just couldn't. In a way if i just went to school i might have actually taken my mind of a few things but i knew i wouldn't be able to last the day there. At four they started to take his body to the crematorium and that was when i finally broke down also. It was the last moment that i would ever see my grandpa again. My grandma then kissed his face and started to cry, it was really hard seeing her cry. My aunt kissed her father for the last time and she just stayed there unable to let go of him until someone moved her away. they brought him downstairs where my mother and her brother really broke down, these were the people who were telling me to calm down and not cry. But these were also the people who grew up with him as they as lived in the same house. My aunt hugged my mother and the grandchildren did their last respects to him as we all took a flaming stick and went around his body three times and i started crying again, my aunt saw me and hugged me along with her mother who was crying as well. The 8 sisters then consoled my grandma as they started to take his body away to mandai. I went along with my aunt and other family members to the place. We went into the hall and they did some other stuff as i watched, the place was very calming. My grandpa did look peaceful and finally rid of suffering. Then they moved off to the viewing gallery to watch the coffin being moved into the burning chamber. I stood next to my aunt and put my hand on her shoulder, then his body started moving toward the chamber. That was when my aunt started to cry as we watched him moving closer and closer. Then thechamber opened and the coffin went inside and the doors closed, and that was it that was the last time i would ever see my grandpa again. Now the family, My grandma aunt and uncle have no father abymore and i have no grandpa. We came back to the house and Anushka was therewith baby Ronan. My Grandma took Anushka's hand and brought her to my grandpa's picture and told her " this is how acchachan must remember you ok, you must never forget acchachan" i'll make sure Anushka does not forget him. I mean Anushka used to go to their house everyday and spend time playing with him and now she wont get to do that. Today my grandma fell sick, her stomach is bloated and she has a fever and all. I guess the reality off her husband not being around anymore is finally hitting her. It's hitting me to, i saw him everyday and i did things withhim when i was younger and now he is gone. My other grandpa has lost a dear friend and he acknowledged that at the final moment.

PS: I feel very empty now and i still hope that he will come to my grandma's house for lunch like he usually did but i noe that is not possible anymore. my grandma will never forget him. i hope he will rest in peace. I now realise how fragile life is and i want ppl to never ever forget that. He was fine a month ago celebrating his wife's bday and now he is gone a few days shy of his bday. Thanks michelle for being there for me......

7:25 PM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

sorry i havent updated in a long while and as you might hear im not very happy at all especially today. i cant imagine life with him, he brought me to make my first library card when i was eight and would always give us big warm hugs and be there always wanting to help out. Plus whats more is that we share the same birthday, on the 25th of July i will be 15 and he will be 71, just a few days shy of his birthday. i cant imagine it at all. i mean i just saw him on Sunday morning and he was fine and the last thing he said to me was "makan already?"he seemed ok and they even said he might be able to go home and then suddenly the bad stuff happened and today he went and hes gone i still cant believe it. Gayathri will not completely understand i mean she does not see him everyday like i do, and she definately was not close to him like alot of us were but she is a sensitive girl. right now i'm just really worried about my grandma, walking into the room today i wanted to cry after seeing him on the bed but i had to be strong for my grandma. i hope we'll get over it
Sumedhaa
I'll miss him so much....

8:08 AM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

Friends.....

i love them all especially sionce i came to secondary school i have found friends that i actually trust and it is great. let me go through some of my friends

Sharina and Juline
Yes The Top of my list, they're they two gals i'm closest to and i luv them loads. We weren't close in sec 1 but in sec 2 we really got to know each other and spent almost all our time together. Now that we are in different classes our friendship is still strong and we still keep in touch and try our best to meet each other, They are my super super gal pals....

Michelle
I will always be friends with her i mean i've known her since sec 1. One my first day of secondary school in sec1 i sat next to her she was the first person i sat next to wen she came up to me and said"can i sit here?". She can be a bit temperemental at times but i still like her and her company. She's one of my long time friends and i will be her friend because she and i already forged that bond on that first day of school.

Nina
i've only gotten to know Nina this year as she is now my classmate and i just Luv her! she is so great so caring and so concerned abt others and maybe shes a little rough but i like her loads shes a great friend to have. i hope we can keep this friendship.

Edha
i've known Edha since primary school and she is the best i loved having her around and loved her company and the things she had to say they were such intelligent speech and i loved those conversations with her though we r in different schools now i still cherish her very much

There are still alot of other friends i have to go through and i'll do it another time cause there's too many and i dont have time right now, haha. so i'm gonna go bye now!

4:04 AM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

My mom is sooooo annoying!shes says she gives me alot of freedom your head ah! the holidays are called holidays so we can go and relax not stay at home all day and do stupid science and maths! I'm supposed to go watch a movie with Nina today and my mom was like" ok i'll make a bargain with you if u do sc and maths with me at 11 i will let you go, i think ihave given you enough freedom". Your Head ah! i havent gone out at all since school started i rarely do so how the hell am i being given too much freedom?! u r lucky u have a daughter who doesnt go out as much i could go out all the bladdy time and see how u like it then! i mean i'm already 15 and there are kids younger than me who go out more! i really hate it! just wait till i get to JC then we'll see whether i was being given too much freedom! i really hate it man i m so not being given so much freedom compared to the others she seriously is such a ............ she doesnt like it when i go out but she can still tell mdm tong " she doesnt go out much sometimes i must tell her to go out" pls lah if u wanna lie, lie when i m not around u, You wanna noe why we dont have a good relationship well thats one reason! i really hate it right now ayah im gonna go......
Sumedhaa(annoyed and angry)

7:36 PM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

Shaz i saw his friendster, how can he say such things like that! You are so not stupid and i dont think you act cute! i noe u told me he said stuff but wah i was so shocked, how immature is he! seriously! wah i am little mad at him right now how can he say that about a friend of mine! no sense! he act big only man inside hes just a little mouse! Dont bother bout him ok

Anyway today e-learning day 2 man this is getting sooooo boring. i was chatting with my primary schoolmate Joseph and i found out that he stead with Zi Xuan! i would have never imagined it at all. i finished most of my e-learning only left the stuff i printed out which is actually alot, haha. so now i'll just hang around till 2 and then go gt ready to go for ELDDS, e-learning and i still have to come back to school "sigh" anyway i gonna go now cause i have nothing to say absolutely nothing! Cheerio

10:23 PM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

E-learning is sooooooooo boring. my god woke up so bladdy early for it and stayed at the comp till 3pm then finished and rushed off for tkd at school. So much stuff and so confusing plus so much traffic that the system was lagging sooo slow! i finished it basically for today, tomm is another day and so is friday! Woke up early and now so sleepy and its only 10.30pm. I still to do stuff and tomm must go for ELDDS, i might become president of the club. hmmmm but its not for sure i might not be. Well i gotta go do work now. Oh BTW my grandpa is much much better they say hes out of the woods and things are going back to normal WOOHOO! i'm so happy! hope he gets better, now im gonna go if not i will seriously fall asleep. Cheerio!

PS: i think i'm going for OBS Camp, yeah! i wanna go, cant wait! bye!

7:25 AM; OOPS, I spoke again Y

hi, havent updated in a long time! well certain bad things have been going on, Michelle knows about it. No, its not boy trouble i'm passed that(and its the least of my concerns), its a family thing that i'm going through. Yeah i feel really sad and confused and worried but i'm not gonna write abt it in the entry and dump my problems on you guys. For people who know me they know that i will listen to you but i dont want to burden u necessarily with my problems. You know maybe cause i've always been the stronger less sensitive one,gotta be strong for my friends. i was sad but now i dont noe why i dont feel so sad and dont feel like crying anymore, i have a good feeling that it will be fine and he'll be out and better before we know, i mean they said he wouldnt make it through the week and guess wat, the weeks up and hes still here. so hopefully it will be fine. So i'll try to make this post as haapy as possible. Michelle and me quite close nowdays, haha its nice to know someone is there for me in this difficult time. Thanks for ur concern. i went for fencong yesterday and guess wat? i almost beat Ruge! can u believe it! me! i lost 5-4 but so close i've nvr won him since the first time i fence a 15 point bout with him and lost 8-15. But he is really a great person to fence with. I fenced my coach, Henry after that. Ahhh! i got slaughtered! so effortless and he won! Well thats why he S'pore's no.1 fencer. was supposed to fence with the guy(whose name i forgot again!) but due to time constraint(Julianna wanted to Kevin Hill) we could not fence and hes not coming next week so i'll have to fence him next next week then. I fence with Mickey and she won me 5-4 because i was in such a hurry to finsh my attacks then i didn't defend well. oh well learnt my mistake. Well i'll be 15 in 22 days. I dont think i wanna celebrate my b'day cause i share my b'day with that family member and if he doesnt make it through i dont want to celebrate at all small or big....ok i feel tears coming so will stop now.

Ps: Syuk can u tell me whether u want to be in the team faster or not? i mean its a one day thing just wack the ball. Hurry up dude!

7:40 AM; OOPS, I spoke again Y